I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
