my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
