she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
