I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
