Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
