Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this boner is exhausting
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
