Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
