I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
