I met the friendliest cop last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So vagazzling was a success
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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