First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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