he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
