Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
