I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
