i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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