he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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