Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
