I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
