from now on my penis is your penis
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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