even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Semen is not good for contacts.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
