I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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