he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
