Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
