i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
