Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
