We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't deserve a penis
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
