the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
