we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
