Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I love you.
Bad choice
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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