Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
