This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
