It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
