That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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