mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
