We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
