Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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