and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
