kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
