Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
