My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
