no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
