living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
