Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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