My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
