She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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