Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
