and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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