I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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