i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
