My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
