my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
