Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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