girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i dont even know how to be here
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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